Burying his daughter’s gerbil in the field- knowing her heart will be as broken as his.
He let us sleep through the night and get through our busy day before he even told us about the gerbil.
I try to imagine what it feels like to be the one to convince your kid to do brave things like ride on a boat.
How it feels to catch every spider and how it feels to tell his kid that we really should put every spider back outside, even when I personally suggested the death penalty.
To understand how he operates with tact.
I wonder how it feels to leave your family and head to work with logic and reason, when all you want to do is stay.
And how it feels to do that every day.
I wonder how it feels to take care of a woman and a girl whose growing into one.
I wonder how he holds it together – on the days I imagine we are both falling apart.
I wonder what my girl will learn from her dad and all the brave memos he unknowingly instills in us both.
I try to imagine what it’s like to be a daddy and how it feels to have to act rock solid – when sometimes life’s fleeting moments leave men just as hollow.
Kimmy McMahon Walter surely was no saint, but if you were lucky to be loved by her, it oftentimes felt like you were loved by one. Her sass matched her experience and she always let you know what she was thinking. She was blunt and honest no matter what you threw her way. And throughout her short life, quite a bit was thrown her way.
As time went on Kimmy morphed into someone who was humbled – not hardened – by life’s untraditional challenges. She was positively changed by time. In the end of her life she became closer to people she loved. She reached out more. She asked for help. She recognized the totality of life.
She became comprehensively “Real”.
I couldn’t say it better than the classical story of the Velveteen Rabit by Margery Williams and I can’t think of a more perfect person to represent its profound story than Kimmy McMahon Walter:
âReal isnât how you are made” said the Skin Horse to the rabbit.
“Itâs a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”
âDoes it Hurt?â asked the rabit.
âSometimes,â said the Skin Horse.
“When you are Real you donât mind being hurt.â
âDoes it happen all at once,â he asked…. or bit by bit?â
âIt doesnât happen all at once,â said the Skin Horse.
“You become.” He said.
“Thatâs why it doesnât happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things donât matter at all, because once you are Real you canât be ugly, except to people who donât understand.”
Kim was very Real. Because she was very well loved and not easily kept. Her absence will make us all become a little more Real, too.
We as people who love her can never be hopeless in loss, because we can not be irreparably broken. We become what we are becoming. We only become more Real by loving and living. Just like Kimmy.
Today we say see you later to the wild spirit who lives on inside the hearts of her children and the people who love her. Today with these life lessons and throughout the ebbs and flows of this grief- we will all become just a little more Real.
People with curly hair live by different standards. Having curly hair comes with more than just super consistent upkeep and products; it comes with a certain shame. It comes with prep, planning, and praying the weather doesnât go rogue. It comes with feeling like youâre not beautiful because you were born with hair that cannot adhere to social norms and trends.
Many of us were not taught how to use or how to love our curly hair, but rather to hide it. We straighten it, we tame it, we try to do everything we can aside from embracing it. Now that I am a mother, I think differently about the concept of âbeautyâ and how I want my daughter and future women of the world to respond to what that even means. I want girls (and women) to know it’s okay to embrace their curls.
We all see the videos of the cute dad and the vacuum cleaner making the perfect ponytail for his daughter on the first day of school. But have we ever seen that same scene shot with a curly kid?
Getting Back to “My Roots”
My daughter is not a curly girl, so it never crossed my mind to make extra effort when embracing mine. One day, at a playdate, I met a perky little girl whose hair spiraled perfectly. Her mom, a brunette wavy haired woman, proudly mentioned that she was helping her child learn how to train her curls and how to love them. Research lent her methods, patience lent her success.
I remember trying to think back to a time when I embraced my curls. There was a *very* hot moment in college, but that was it. The thoughts continued: What if I had a curly girl or boy? What if my daughter has a curly friend? What if ever there was a curly girl who never ever saw a curly mom, because curly moms were too unwilling to literally let their hair down? And worst of all…what if my willingness to throw it in a messy bun all those times, created an inevitable unwillingness for a curly girl to embrace who she is?
Goodbye Tamed Shame!
When sending curly girls and boys out into the world it’s imperative we do so with support and resources. On my quest to return to my roots, to be an example and begin to love my curls, I learned many tips, tricks, and methods. With these three tips, we can try to work together to encourage girls (and women) to be confident and fully cultivate their curls.
1. Encourage experimentation and be a role model. Give them tools to experiment. Bad hair days happen to everyone, not just curly girls. Donât give up on embracing the curly life. Trial and error is a part of figuring out what works best for your curls. Be an example. Little eyes are always watching. Go on mama, let your hair down!
2. Eventually, embrace a method. While there are many out there, I’m going to give it to you straight – so many of us are personally LOVING the Curly Girl Method. It has a few basic rules, tools and groups, which bring together a wealth of knowledge from the web to flawlessly train our curls.
3. Let children decide their own idea of beauty. The concept of loving what you look like is hard for most adults. It’s not any different for children. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. Help them redefine their own idea of beauty by helping them understand that beauty is not what we look like, but rather who we are inside. With that, they can always be confident about who they are.
Let your hair down, mama!
Confidently Curly
It’s important for children to start developing their personal autonomy at a young age. It helps build confidence and allows them to think and act for themselves. It’s our job as parents to help locate the tools for our children to do that! For some of our children, it starts right at the top of their head – with the very curl of their hair – take it from a curly girl.
Learning to care for your curly kids hair is a part of putting essential tools in their âtoolboxâ. Caring for your children’s hair and caring for your own is important, but teaching them to take care of it is equally important.
You’re raising kids and you’re the last thing on each other’s task list.
It’s easy to pose for pictures, pick a filter, and get them posted up on Insta.
Not as easy to pretend you’re happy when your husband seems less interested and your kids are plotting against you.
Because who has time to play tit for tat, or getting in the sack, when there are butts to wipe and order to maintain.
It’s less challenging to go to bed early than to risk being touched by the partner we love; because you’re tired of being needed or maybe, your breasts are still leaking.
You don’t share that loving gaze like you did when you were 25; you’re both exhausted with kids, work, and life at home in general.
Now, you don’t struggle over “how it should be” anymore.
Because now, you know what you can depend on.
And you know every single time it comes down to “each other.”
He’s still the first thing you think about in the morning; she’s the family’s full-time director, dedicated, and stitched together with grace.
Part of loving someone is understanding that you won’t always like them; it’s accepting that you won’t always be likable either.
It gets better with small battles, and even better with time; it takes commitment and growth.
You’re not just raising children, as you are evolving, you’re continuously raising each other.
So, don’t fight without saying “I’m sorry,” and don’t go to bed without kisses.
Never leave the house without saying “I love you.” Especially now.
It’s totally okay to be on the rocks.
When the foundation cracks and your love still stands: you will see that together, you’re made of stone.
When someone gives you a book it means they trust you enough to invite you into their world; they believe in your imagination and they’ve gifted you a passport to explore.
When someone gives you a book it might mean they believe in your future. It could mean they want you to read in between the lines.
When someone gives you a book, they’re adding to your collection of knowledge and time. It means they believe you’re worth the read.
When someone gives you a book they are giving you the gift of all time. They understand that stories live on forever; and have gifted you a faithful friend.
When someone gives you a book it means they share thoughts and ideas close to your own it. It could mean ‘I see you.’ and ‘I feel you.’ – or perhaps – “I am you.”
When someone gives you a book, they care about your time and how you spend it; they want you to know that it’s words and time, literally the *thought* that always counts.
When someone gives you a book, you should really thank them. Because when someone gives you a book they are telling you they love you.
And the size of the heart of a person who chooses to give you a book – will almost always match the adventure between its covers.