It’s never an easy question, although it is a reoccurring one.
“Momma, who’s your mommy?”
I thought I had more time before the consciousness of disparity, to sort out some truths bound to my estranged mother.
But, here we are with my 4 year old and some hard-hitting questions.
A million things crossed my mind, as I tried not to face the question.
She didn’t want us.
She left us behind.
She broke me-
and never came back.
But, that’s not what I say.
Instead, I teach her about safety in priorities, and that it’s ok to seek out comfortable situations, while avoiding consistently hurtful people.
No matter who those people are.
I teach her that you’re not a product of where you came from or how people treat you.
But you are absolutely a product of how hard you work and what you come to offer to the world.
I help her appreciate that she has choices too, and that one day she will understand the reasoning for many of mine.
I teach her that her mommy loves her and that no matter the chaos that ensues over a lifetime – mommy will never leave.
So, when she asked me “who’s your mommy
?”, instead of saying what I wanted to say, I told her my mother’s name.
Because no matter how bad I feel inside about it, I know that I am stronger in my convictions because of it.
I will never do as I was taught.
I will never cheat my child from something as essential as a mother’s love – even while I continue to grieve for the love of my own.